Slingbacks

There is more to hill than climbing

Don drove us in a car so big you could swing a cat in it while dancing the can-can….Well, that’s what Woody said, but I think he is still a little under the influence. His eyes are red and he keeps nodding off which for some strange reason leads to his head on my shoulder, a sensation new to me and one I quite enjoy.

I even patted his head, like I’ve seen Mex do with Bunnie’s dog until DJ threw a weird look.

We are off to meet some guy called Johnny who is supposed to lead us to Legless. No one seems to know exactly what Legless looks like, but I suspect Johnny, is something more, I mean any man with a carpet-like wig has got to be hiding something.

DJ, Don’s protege (according to Bunnie), disagrees. But then he is the sort of guy who disagrees with everything I say and has taken great delight in explaining that my pink and orange outfit should not be worn with green shoes. Just because I trashed his hero, Legless, “a man as elusive as the G spot”——to quote Woody.

I have no idea what that is, and neither does Mex who threw me a confused look until Woody laughed and Don snorted a chuckle, leading DJ to spout forth on his ability to find said spot "blindfolded and in the back of a car”.

“Well you'll not be doing that in this car,” said Bunnie with the sort of face I couldn’t read.

DJ was as inebriated as a pickled egg last night and I, trapped like a mouse in a wellie boot had to suffer his speeches. It seems that he, like his comrades is totally confused about women. When I told him they ruled on planet Hy Man he laughed his head off, “what woman want” he said “is a good time with a good friend.”

I could tell Bunnie didn’t approve, it was as obvious as the Mex’s inability to master a march in a set of trainers/runners or whatever the galaxy they’re called. But nothing I said made any difference “If us lot were on your planet we’d soon sort those women…” DJ boasted and Mex nearly spit her joggers laughing.

My outfit is a dream compared to hers, especially my shoes. They are high with a cozy spongy bit for the souls of my feet which gives me the unfamiliar sensation of pleasure and makes me think of rubbing, massaging, and all manner of touching.

On earth, my body has more feelings than the butt of a Planet Hy Man stationary rider. I know, I have seen those stationary bike riders and they walk like their butt is cut in two. They spend all day on a bike with an inch-wide seat, then climb off with the look of someone who has a hedgehog between their legs.

An android never rubs on Planet Hy man, he hasn’t the need, but after an afternoon of walking in ‘slingbacks from Primart I had spent hours doing just that until Bunnie gave me a pair of her shoes which were “cushioned inside for extra comfort”.

Slipping on that pair is like slipping on silk and makes walking as much fun as eating a flapjack or patting Woody's head, and I love the green poke dots.

DJ says I look like a drag act.

I told him dragging has nothing to do with my outfit, “I brought it at Primart” I said proudly which for some reason had Bunnie chuckling.

“He means you look like a man dressed as a woman, a little harsh if you ask me,” said Don.

We had just driven off the ferry at the time and were heading out of Dunnon past the Holy Loch when all thoughts of a smart answer vanished. The scenery took my breath away. I had never seen mountains covered in trees before let alone mist—and there it was, white trails of fairy dust suspended above the loch and around the bottom of the mountain. The colors were so rich with so many shades of green, Mex and I tried to count them and then gave up to just stare.

Woody called it a hill.

“Hill?” I said.

“Sure a mountain is much higher.”

“Higher? How can anything be higher?”

“So high people need ropes and things to climb them,” said Woody.

“Climb, why?”

“For the view,” said know-it-all DJ. Which had both Mex and myself stumped, we never heard of people climbing for a view-let alone “taking one”. A view on our planet was to be avoided at all costs, the light was so harsh it hurt your eyes, and the air so dusty you needed a tissue the size of a tablecloth for the sneezing.

I began to fantasize about a mountain view, what would it feel like, how long would it take to get there, and would there be snacks?

“How do you get there? I said with a wild gesture towards the hill, and DJ with a caustic look at my heels said. “Well not in those shoes or that getup.”

I asked what was wrong with my get-up.

“It’s a bit tacky.” He said.

Which I took as a compliment until DJ told me otherwise.

“What's wrong with green?” I said.

“With that orange blouse.”

“It is not a blouse it is a dress coat.”

“Who says that these days?”

Mex nudged me “I like it.” She whispered, “It’s better than this.” She tugged at her joggers.

“Well at least you can climb mountains,” snapped Bunnie.

The Tharassas Cycle

The Tharassas Cycle is a four-book sci-fantasy series set in the recently colonized world of Tharassas. When humans first arrived on the planet, they thought they were alone until the hencha mind made itself known. But now a new threat has arisen to challenge both humankind and their new allies in this alien world.

The Hencha Queen, book three in The Tharassas Cycle, releases on 3/14. To celebrate, the first Two Books are On Sale through March 31st for just 99¢ each. And if you buy one (or all three) of the main series books, email scott@jscottcoatsworth.com and he'll send you a free copy of Tales From Tharassas, the prequel.

Until Next Time Happy Reading